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On Love

Image | Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

I sit here this morning feeling that I must put words to what I am feeling. I picked up bell hooks’ book “all about love” and a few pages in, I knew that reading this book could not have been more timely. You see, I have been denying the reality of the condition of my beloved heart– it is broken.

I had an epiphany of sorts a few weeks ago. Me in my delusion decided to just settle with the fact that I am happily single and have no desire for deeper connection– all lies. I guess it is easier to fake myself out than to go deep and be real that I am suffering from a broken heart.

I was in a long-term relationship. had even been engaged and it all ended. There were many problems, don’t get me wrong, but the years spent, the connections to family, the levels and layers of emotion- and the depth of love that I had for him…has left me feeling angry that it didn’t work out. And that anger was followed by denial and now a feeling of despair. I have been grieving in all actuality–grieving the deaths of loved ones in addition to the end of a relationship that at one point in time, I never thought would end.

Sister bell quotes a graffiti artists words at the beginning “The search for love continues even in the face of great odds”. As I dig a little deeper, uncovering the gentleness of my sacred heart, I am facing the reality that I do want love. I do want to have someone pull me close to them while we lie in bed on cold mornings. I do want someone to look deeply into my eyes and tell me that they adore me. I do want someone that I can share secret jokes with. I do want to feel the intimacy of deeply felt love again- even in the face of great odds.

The Return

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

Peace family! For the few of you who used to read my blog, I know you must be thinking that I fell off the face of the Earth, but alas, I didn’t. Life comes at you fast and my attention has been fully invested in the myriad of things that I have going on.

I had a thought this past weekend about how far removed I feel society is from actually reading unless required. It’s like outside of posts on social media, most people are not taking time to actually read–myself included. And it is a sad state of affairs because I actually love reading. When did I fall from grace?

So, I am making it my business to get back to the business of doing that things I love on a more regular basis. Writing and reading have been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember so I need to rededicate myself to them. I do hope you all have been well. I have shifted so much since my last entry.

So, here I am the prodigal child, returning with new pearls of wisdom, new stories, fresh perspectives. If you would like to hear a little of the goings on until I post again, check out my podcast “Musings of Ashaki” available on all major platforms.

See you soon!

Ashaki

Redirection

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

It has been too too long since my last blog but I know you must be saying- “ I heard it all before” like Sunshine Anderson. But, I have honestly not felt like writing, becoming consumed with survival, as most of us. I have also been painting more, contemplating frequently, and really exploring the depths of my mind, learning myself and striving to get my shit together.

Now that I have gotten all of that out the way, let’s get into what I really want to talk about- redirection. I have always been extremely adaptable- finding ways to make do , to make space for self, creating comfort in sometimes the most precarious of situations.

But, making full pivots is something different entirely. I have not always dealt with big change well. However, I have found that when I do take more risks, when I truly step out of my comfort zone, I have made the biggest gains in my life. And I am feeling pulled to move again, to chase some new goals, to move forward in my life.

And I don’t mean only in pursuit of career goals- I also would like to entertain the idea of being in a relationship again. I do have my reservations, but why the hell not? I know what I like, what I desire, what I can offer, and have done a ton of work on myself. I am finally in a healthy space to not feel as though I “need a man”  but, I would love to have a man in my life to share experiences with, to build with, to add to his life and he to mine.

I have this saying that goes “Universe, feel free to wow me”. I am open to seeing what is in store for me at this crossroad in my life. I haven’t been disappointed yet once I stepped into a new direction. So, let’s see what this pivot brings.

Peace,

Ashaki

10

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

It has been much too long since my last post but I have started a podcast by the same name as well as I have seemed to be pressed for time and often uninspired. But today is a twofold day of gratitude- it is a day of family, heritage, and for mourning for those native ancestors who were unjustly taken so many moons ago. It is also the eve of my 10 year loc-anniversary.

10 years I have worn my hair in dreadlocks- and before anyone attempts to correct my usage of the word dreadlock, please know and understand that I love being called a “dread”- it has been a way of life, an outward expression of my rebellion against all things meant to hold me down, be less, and conform to so-called societal standards of beauty, class, and femininity.

So, let’s go back. 10 years ago, I had just given birth to my youngest child, I was on the verge of completing my bachelor of science degree in business admin, my husband at the time was facing serious prison time, and I felt like I was drowning- like literally drowning.

I tried to go about the days as normally as possible but, it was impossible. Because of everything that was going on , I could not focus on my next steps. I was graduating with honors and yet still had no hope for the future. As I stared in the mirror, I hated who I had become- all my dreams and hopes for the future seemed to be fleeting and I had all these small children depending on me.

I felt very much a prisoner- caged and dying slowly. Once my husband was sent away a few months later and people started disappearing from our lives, I began to see that I had to quickly make a decision. I was receiving eviction notices every month, I could barely afford daycare for my 2 youngest, and it seemed life was riddled with one calamity after another.

I had to dig deep and save my life and ultimately the lives of my children. It was not easy- I made a lot of missteps in my attempt to build a new life. But, we did it together.

But, as my hair has gotten longer and the years have passed, I have grown wiser, stronger, and taken control of my life. So many things have changed over this decade- changed states, jobs, became happily single, written books, become a spiritual teacher, started and ended businesses, gotten back into art, traveled, and this hair has been with me for the ride.

I do not know what the next decade will bring. But, as I sit here tonight, facing certain uncertainties and trials, I know one thing- I will be more than all right. And I am grateful for all of it- the good, bad, ugly of life. Life is joy, pain, laughter, tears, passion, mundane–and it is still good.

Just An Observation

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

Peace loves!

It has been quite some time since my last blog post but for good reason- life. I am learning to be more present, to move with true intention, to show myself grace too. But, this Saturday morning, I feel inspired to write a little bit so here I am , sitting in my favorite chair, coffee at my side, laptop in my lap.

Today, I realized, or maybe observed just how much of ,my life has been spent making myself more palatable to everyone outside of myself. I don’t really know when I started this. I have always been told that I was too loud- by my mother, my godsister, my teachers, and so on. So, I started speaking more quietly. I was told that my imperfect smile was not “pretty” so I practiced smiling without showing my teeth. I was told that I was “hyper” so I stopped being as active as I desired-for a time.

Years later, this pursuit of feigned palatability continued. I desired to dress like a mother of Africa but was told that my dress was “too much” so I chose dress shirts of white, blue, light pink and khakis and black slacks as my uniform. I wanted to dance and laugh and curse and do what I wanted to but was told that those things were “unholy” so I swallowed myself down.

And then one day, I woke up and hated what my life had become. I looked in the mirror and did not know the woman who looked back. I would sit on my bed and just cry. The joy of life had been sucked out with every single compromise I made in watering myself down for others folks acceptance. I had literally betrayed me. Little did I know that my inner me had begun to fight back against the prison of palatability a year or so before when I decided to (what I felt was a whim) to cut all my hair off on December 24th, 2010. It was an outward expression of the inner rebel. She had grown tired of the same ole same ole.

And then, I began to run every day, think about seeking work in a different city, and now almost 10 years later, my life has been transformed. I know that I may aggravate people with my renewed sense of self. But, I was dying a slow death and I had to save what was left of me. See that’s the thing about life- it is truly yours for the taking if you so choose. And I made a resolution to never ever shrink myself down again. Naysayers can choke for all I care. I will forever choose me. And you should certainly choose you.

Peace,

Ashaki

The Rage

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

I have not written about my thoughts about the state of affairs in regards to the relationship between black people and the police in a very long time. I used to dedicate so much of my time to it. The weight of it all began to affect me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

But, when a 15 year old girl is gunned down after calling for help– I had to allow my rage to be fully expressed. This rage is truly incomprehensible, it is ancient, one that comes from my ancient ancestors- those that had to witness lynchings, beatings, seeing their children sold off, being separated from their homelands, language, customs, spiritual systems.

This rage is deep seated. It is an emotion that can not truly be quantified. It pulsates, it never truly dies. It festers and drives me on. When folks ask me why I do not trust law enforcement, I am appalled. Look at what they continue to do. And they will go to great lengths to justify treating my family worse than a dog.

It is always this way. We take one step forward to be pushed back 10. For this reason, the rage has a life of its own. We continue to be dehumanized, retraumatized, and told to grin and bear it. I am exhausted! But, the rage does not allow for rest.

This rage is ancient. This rage is alive. Is there no safe place, no security, no solace for black people ?

I am choosing rage. And if it ever comes to my door, I choose violence..

40 Where?

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

Hello everyone. I hope that this message finds you well. I recently celebrated my 40th trip around the sun. 40. I don’t know when I arrived here but, here I am nonetheless- still youthful, joyful, silly, some may some immature in some ways but, definitely wiser, stronger, and more grateful than I have ever been in this life. I don’t know how my mother or grandmother felt in their body at 40, but I honestly feel amazing most days.

The point of this blog though is not even a reflection back but, more of taking a seat in the present. I realize how much I have missed in the past because of my eternal curiosity and intuitive knowing of that which is to come. In the present moment, I am focused on showing up every single day as my full self , focusing on my own plate and what is on it, and striving to be a better me than I was on the previous day.

I have taken more definitive steps to improve my near future than I ever have in the past. I have done things in the name of preserving myself and my children. And I am extremely pleased with myself. This is what growth looks like- it looks like admitting our missteps, correcting the things that I am able to, and still loving on me, showing self-compassion, and allowing myself to feel pleasure because I deserve it.

That’s the thing about growing older- you realize just how human you truly are but that you are also allowed the same level of grace that you allow others. You also realize that there really is no certain “age” requirements for accomplishing goals, reaching for desires, pursuing a new life.

I am rewriting my story. In the meantime, cheers to Chapter 40! I will be celebrating for the remainder of 2021!\

Peace,

Ashaki

2 Decades

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

20 years ago today, I stood in front of family and friends and eulogized my beloved grandmother, Lillie Ann DeBerry. I will never forget the anxiety that overtook me as I clutched the already written devotion and the feeling of relief when I decided to freestyle it and just speak from my heart. The look on my grandfather’s face, the smiles, but also the emptiness that I felt- the feeling of being gut punched as I braved my way through those moments. Unforgettable.

My mind has a hard time believing that 20 years has passed but another part of self is settled in it. I am such a different person then than I am now. I have been twice divorced, engaged twice, had 5 more children, left organized religion, cut off all my hair, regrew it, grew locs, moved, and yet I still miss my grandma Lillie with the same intensity.

I will tell you that I find great solace and peace in my spiritual practices of ancestral recognition, veneration, and honor. I know that she is ever with me, speaking, guiding, protecting, even chastising at times. Her spirit remains a strong presence in my life and the lives of my children.

Her death was tragic but it was her living that I am more concerned with. Once my mother transitioned last year, they both have shown up in multiple dreams. I giggle at the shenanigans that have occurred in the dream realm with those two. I have often felt a burning anger at how my grandmother lost her life, all of the pain she endured throughout the years. But, just as quickly I recall the joy that she expressed so freely, the tears with each laugh, the warmth of her hugs, and the love in each pot of food that she prepared. And I feel ease. ]

May my life be a testament to the power, strength, tenacity, and pure love of that woman. May my ancestral mothers be honored evermore.

I miss you Grandma Lillie. I love you. Until we meet again,

-Your Girl

The Legacy of Coffee

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

The other day I was thinking how much my mornings look like my mom’s when she was in her twenties. She always had fresh coffee, made her breakfast, read the newspaper, and prepared herself for the day–savoring the few hours early before anyone else was awake. I am much the same. I am up early on purpose. I love having time to rise slowly, be with myself, and pamper me for a bit before I have to face the world.

I began to reminisce about how all of my family- especially the women who raised me enjoyed coffee. My mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother all shared laughs, memories, debates, and so much more over a hot cup of coffee. It was a necessary staple in all of their households and I continue the legacy.

I remember Grandma Lillie putting on the percolator, brewing coffee early in the morning. I loved the smell ( I still do ) and I would beg for a little bit. My great-grandmother would say “You can’t have any coffee, it’ll make you black” and I would say “Well, I’m already black so give me mine!”. The women would swat me away but, I would hang around listening, being careful not to be too much of a nuisance so that they would allow me to hang.

I still vividly remember how they took their coffee too- Momma had 2 teaspoons of sugar and a little cream, Grandma liked her coffee black, and Great-grandma liked her with just a little cream. Coffee. I also realize that even in having just a cup of coffee, my foremothers were giving themselves of some well-deserved pleasure. Even in its simplicity, just the mere act of them sitting , drinking, and enjoying it brings me so much joy.

How hard they all had worked over the years, how much they had toiled. They deserved every ounce they savored. And so, as I sit early in the mornings, sipping on my coffee, I am honoring their memory by keeping the legacy alive.

Supreme gratitude of coffee.

Peace,

Ashaki

2021- A Year for Intentionality

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

Peace beloveds and happy new year! I have not been in a space to write, nor the vibe but I am feeling my way through my days now and so here I am.

The word “intentionality” has become a focus word for me this year (and honestly began before the calendar year 2020 came to an end). I have found myself being in a space where I simply cannot do as I used to do. Spiritual messages have come in like a wave and some days I am simply exhausted and unable to do–being forced to just be.

So, here we are halfway through the month of January and I am fighting to not feel guilty to spending so much time in reflection, declining calls, messages, interactions that are not serving me in this moment. I have dreams for my future and am finding that spirit is working with me and through me to facilitate growth and maturation in an entire different way than I could ever have imagined.

I don’t feel pushed to produce. I feel guided to allow. I am only pursuing activities, relationships, and other things from a position of being intentional. I find myself asking if I am doing something because it is what I have always done, is it because others expect this of me, or is this truly serving me, bringing me peace, joy, bliss, abundance?

I am being intentional about leaning into ease. I am seeking what feels good and aligned in this moment- nothing other than that. I must admit that it is not a particularly comfortable place to be in because we live in a society that pushes productivity. But, I am off the hamster wheel. I cannot go on in the manner in which I had for so many years.

As I reflect over the nearly 40 years of my life, I realize how often I had simply been living, touting being hard working as some badge of honor, yet all the while not honoring my divine self, and certainly not operating in my natural flow. So much has become easy with me simply being. I am enjoying it so far, though I have to check the masculine side of myself who says “get up and do!”.

As this planet continues to shift from operating from a highly masculine energy into a more feminine one, may we all find more ways of simply Be-ing. See y’all soon!

Peace,

Ashaki